A restless night of sleep found came to an end with a 5:45 wake-up today. My goal was to exercise, to be “productive.” It’s taken me the better part of an hour to get out of bed, make coffee, drink some water, and effectively convince myself to not lay back down. “Productive” comes in a variety of flavors.
The first thing I did when I woke up was to see what time it was. To see what time it was I picked up my cell phone to confirm, and from there I began to walk the usual route of websites and apps. This is precisely what I had told myself yesterday I needed to stay away from… not “wanted to,” but “needed to.” It’s not even that it’s a “waste of time,” it’s that doing so distances me from the general direction I want to take with my life right now. Maybe what Henry calls a “true north” in this video.
A friend forwarded me a link to Ron Gallo’s blog featuring a clip from one of Henry’s old videos. I know the clip well. It reminded me of something which lead me to the above video, which couldn’t sound more relevant and well-timed had it been created this past week and not eight years ago.
“You must never lower yourself to being a person you don’t like.”
Already this morning I set myself up for failure by playing an all or nothing game in my head. I convinced myself I had to do one specific task that I’ve been struggling to complete the last several days… or bust, essentially. I can’t do everything I demand of myself right now (or ever, as history has shown me), but maybe this one specific task of exercising will come as the day progresses. Moments after stepping out of that narrow mental silo I’m already experiencing how my viewpoint expanding a little, opening back up to possibility. In that space other options become available. If all I can do right now is sit, I can certainly turn on my meditation app and focus on breathing. I can definitely sit and read something positive and healthy while I drink my coffee. Then, maybe a couple body weight exercises to get the blood flowing before I shower. I have so much to be grateful for today, and suddenly I’m reminded of that rather than of how much I’ve already “failed myself” because one single task on the to-do list didn’t fall into place.